I know I got halfway decent sleep last night because I had a dream. I dream a lot, and I tend to remember them. Especially the weird ones. Sometimes they are even inspiring.
This one was sad and happy and terrifying and thought provoking all at the same time. I woke up slightly shocked and trying to reshuffle the facts of my life back into place in their correct order. I think part of this dream was inspired by watching the whole season of Fringe a couple of weeks ago in a three day time span, and partially by working on three different manuscripts at the same time.
Basically, I was visiting my grandmother at her house in Geauga County, OH. She was pretty spry for 91, but my husband and I were helping to cook her some meals to freeze while Alex was running around banging on the piano. Only, I was looking at her mixer as I was baking something, and then I thought evilly, "I wonder if anyone will appreciate this someday when Grandma passes." Then the worst sense of deja vu hit, and I realized....she already had. In fact, she's been dead for ten years.
Then suddenly I was in in a bustling foreign city, with palm trees swaying in thick humid air. My husband was trying to shake me awake. Turns out we were visiting some friend of his cousin YY in Indonesia. And I asked suddenly, "Where's Alex?" And Larry began to cry. My son Alex had apparently died two years previously, and we'd been travelling ever since. I was filled with horror, and then I was back home, working in the garden and watching Alex swinging on his swingset and singing.
It was as though I had touched different versions of my life, and I could suddenly see all the possibilities laid out before me in terrifying reality.
It made me realize how happy I really am, and how blessed.
I hope I can simply turn this into inspiration. And hug Alex extra tight.